Domestic violence begins at 4

Excerpt from THE LIES THAT BIND: THE PERMANENCE OF CHILD ABUSE,
Heyward Ewart, III, Ph.D.

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“Domestic violence begins at 4.” Those were the opening words of my continuing education address at a major medical center in Jacksonville, Florida. The doctors and nurses, though silent, were indeed puzzled as I scanned their faces.  Because every child blames herself for the abuse or neglect she has suffered,  the “my fault” message, deeply internalized, navigates the individual throughout life. Abuse, once begun, takes on a life of its own and finds people and occasions throughout life to multiply itself.

The abused little girl becomes the abused adolescent, who becomes an abused adult. Just as water seeks its own level, so an abused person seeks relationships and a lifestyle that are no better than what she believes she deserves.

Abusive men seem to have an uncanny intuition in being able to identify a girl or woman they can victimize. They can spot her a block away. Once they have their claws into her, they never let go. Even when a domestic violence victim gathers enough strength and support in a shelter to leave her present captor, she is not rid of him, because he follows, he stalks, and he torments from a distance in any way he can.

The Mennonite Domestic Violence Task Force (1996) has assembled 16 traits of an abuser that my own patients have studied in amazement. They are incredulous at the fact that their own tormentor fits this description so closely. Items 17 on are derived from my own observations through treating abused women.

1.  He is jealous and tries to “own” his partner.
2. He blames others for his faults.
3. He blames circumstances for his difficulties.
4. He demonstrates unpredictable behavior.
5. He belittles his partner verbally and tries to convince her she’s crazy.
6. He cannot control his anger.
7. He always asks for another chance.
8. He promises and swears to change.
9. He may have been abused as a child or witnessed his father bully his mother.
10. He plays on his partner’s guilt. (“If only you loved me, you would…”)
11. His behavior often worsens when he uses alcohol or drugs.
12. He is closed-minded. His way is the only way.
13. He may seem charming and gentle to non-family members and the outside world.
14. He dislikes women, believes that a “woman’s place is in the home,” and that men have a right to possess women.
15. He may abuse his (or her) children by insult, intimidation, yelling, threatening, or actual violence.
16. He either refuses treatment, saying “You’re the problem,” or accepts treatment but plays games with the therapist.
17. He expects his partner to pay her own way financially.
18. He does not believe his partner when he asks where she’s been.
19. He forces her into sex and other behaviors that she does not want.
20. He acts as though all income is his.
21. He threatens suicide if she tries to leave or threatens to kill her.
22. He prevents her from making friends and/or engaging with her family.
23. He belittles her achievements and sabotages her accomplishments by insult.
24. He convinces her that he is doing her a favor by keeping her.
25. He either threatens violence or carries it out or both.
26. He forbids her to make decisions on her own.
27. He repeatedly hammers away at her incompetence.
28. He belittles her friends and/or family.
29. He is unpredictable and undependable as a provider, often putting all responsibility for income on his partner.
30. He continues to stalk, harass, threaten, and frighten her in cunning ways, even when an injunction for protection has been issued.