A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college. Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home.

“Dad,” he says, “You won’t believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol’ Blue how to talk!”

“That’s amazing,” his Dad says. “How do I get Ol’ Blue in that program?”

“Just send him down here with $1,000″ the young cowboy says. “I’ll get him in the course.”

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

“So how’s Ol’ Blue doing son?” his father asks.

“Awesome, Dad, he’s talking up a storm,” he says, “but you just won’t believe this – they’ve had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!”

“Read!?” says his father, “No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?”

“Just send $2,500, I’ll get him in the class.”
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. “Where’s Ol’ Blue? I just can’t wait to see him read something and talk!”

“Dad,” the boy says, “I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol’ Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, “So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?”

The father exclaimed, “I hope you shot that s. of a b. before he talks to your Mother!”

“I sure did, Dad!”

“That’s my boy!”

The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington D.C. as a  Congressman.

I Love You!

How to Make a Woman Happy      

It’s not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

How to Make a Man Happy

1. Show up naked
2. Bring beer

(…and for some of us, #2 is optional)

A visiting minister waxed eloquent during the offertory prayer. “Dear Lord,” he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, “without you we are but dust…”

He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening carefully for a change!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, “Mom, what is butt dust?”

The birth of our second child, a daughter, came after a long  
and difficult labor. But it was definitely worth it when our  
beautiful little girl emerged, perfect in every way. Later, 
in my room, my husband looked at her tenderly, with tears in  
his eyes. Then as he glanced up at me, I expected him to utter  
something truly poetic. Instead he asked, “What’d we decide  
to call her again?”

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was
tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the
light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, “Mommy, will
you sleep with me tonight?”

The mother smiled. “I can’t dear,” she said. ‘I have to sleep
in Daddy’s room.”

The little boy replied with a shaking voice, “The big sissy.”

My wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to  
her, “Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative  
state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. 
If that ever happens, just pull the plug.” 

She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of my beer! 

A guy and a girl are having a drink together in a bar. The  
man raises his glass and says, “Here’s hoping you’re in  
Heaven ten minutes before the devil knows you’re dead!” 

“What’s that mean?” asks the girl. 

“That,” answers her date, “is an authentic Irish toast.” 

“Oh. Well, here’s to bread, eggs and cinnamon.” 

“Bread, eggs and cinnamon? What’s that?” 

The girl says, “That’s French toast.” 

Sitting in the bar George asked his 40-year-old friend John, 
“How come you aren’t married?” 

John: “I haven’t found the right woman yet.” 

George: “So what are you looking for?” 

John: “Oh she’s got to be real pretty, – a good cook and  
house keeper, she’s got to know how to handle money, have  
a nice and pleasant personality—and money, she’s got to  
have money, and a nice big house wouldn’t hurt either.” 

George: “A woman like that would be crazy to marry YOU!” 

John: “Oh, it’s okay, if she is crazy.”

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother .
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn’t get a fair trial.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:

1. He went into His Father’s business.
2. He lived at home until He was 33.
3. He was sure His mother was a virgin and His mother was sure He was God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:

1. He talked with His hands.
2. He had wine with His meals.
3. He used olive oil.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:

1. He never cut His hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian

1. He was at peace with nature.
2. He ate a lot of fish.
3. He talked about the Great Spirit.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments the Jesus was Irish:

1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all – 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:

1. He fed a crowd at a moment’s notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn’t get it.
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was work to do.

AMEN

Each year, several giant computer expos at New York City’s  
Jacob K. Javits Convention Center attract mobs of people. 
I ran into a friend the day after she had gone to one, and  
asked her about it. 

“By the time I got there,” she said, “it was so crowded you  
couldn’t get a nerd in edgewise.”